random late night thinking ...

i can't imagine the world before sept. 11 anymore. is that odd? i look back in my life and i see what life was like leading up to it. and let me make very clear that i do not think that is bad, whatsoever.

i find it very easy to romanticize war and whatnot. i find it a lot easier than spelling, that's for sure. though, my money says i am a much better speller than i give myself credit for. to bad i never feel like using the spell check on this thing, but i digress.

i wish the world was like living in casablanca, you know. and seriously, i find the film highly overrated. i want to be a bum, living the existential life that i choose while the world falls apart all around me. i just feel like that's the way it should be ... it paints the right background for how i want to experience life.

so i guess i am saying it has little to do with what happened that tuesday morning, i like the conflict. maybe it's that in conflict you find the best parts of people and life, in my opinion. i suppose there are a lot of people that would argue with me. but who the fuck cares, really.

i just have a way of romanticizing things. booze, drugs, sex, war, death. i am not sure what that says about me. i guess i should say love and faith and other positive crap that i honestly believe from time to time.

really, i am quite fascinated with the notion that i am experiencing history at every turn. and as i get older, i feel like i am starting to have an appreciation for the way that events unfold. i do like to predict things. and yes, i often like to do what i can to try and make my predictions come true, but what would be the point if you kept your grimey hands out, right?

history, though, is different. i don't really feel like i have any sort of impact on history. i feel like an outlier, and that my political opinion is in such a minority that i might as well save my breath. and sometimes it's hard for me to look past that. of all the luxuries that men seek, other than sex with gorgeous women, i think the one that drives me the most is that desire to try and mold the world into something that i can be proud to pass on to those that come next.

i bet that sounds uncharacteristically (spelling again) noble. and it probably is. that's that power drive, just wearing a noble mask. that's the little facist in me. and so maybe that's the answer. you know, if i want there to be war, than i feel less pathetic for not only being unable to stop it, but also unable to stop contributing to the war machine.

and don't get me wrong. i don't want to sound like some pathetic hippie either. fuck that noise, yo. i can't say enough that i do not have a problem with the fundamental nature of war. my problem with war is when innocent bystanders start getting killed in horrific numbers. war is fine if it's just the men going out unto a battlefield somewhere and having at it until only the most risiliant are left standing. to me, that actually sounds quite productive on an evolutionary level.

it's like cutting down an old-growth tree: immediately, five new trees will grow out of it's lush trunk.

but really, it always comes down to evolution, if you are me. as much as i want to look at my death with a wanting and an excitement, i am scared. so i try and convince myself of something larger. and i guess that's just the way it works ... or the way i want it to work ... or someting. i really am so confused.

note to self: sleep more, and before you drone on in your blog.