what shall be, shall be

it's funny, someone who prides themselves a writer can't barely keep a fucking blog. sometimes i really make myself sick. but whatever. i have conflicting feelings about these things anyway.

this is the blog that i leave a link to in the signature of the majority of my e-mails. i guess that implies that i will either have something interesting to say or that i am going to post details of my personal life, so that friends and family will keep up with me and my life.

of course, i am not too sure that any of my friends or family could give a second shit about what goes through my head. i have a tendancy to keep it all inside anyway, convinced of my primary creationism (the notion that the primary manufactures his/her own world) and that it's all mine anyways.

really, though, if you don't find yourself interesting, then how can you expect to be interesting to other people. so fuck that notion, yo.

i guess i am saying that this blog has no identity. and when i am not interested in the news, which i am not right now, i don't really have anything to write about. and all the while, i am scared that people will actually read what i do put in here. my political beliefs have been without base for so long, i no longer know how to relate to other people politically.

every now and then i can do something with some power. just the other day, i managed to convince someone to at least consider that the sun is god -- end of story. i am not sure that he bought it for any longer than he and i spoke. but you know, it's never about the results, only the effort.

so i guess me rambling on like this for a little while is worth something in the war of blog upkeep.

i did look at the news a little. it was the same bullshit as usual. a war that took place more than fifty years ago plays higher than the war that saw another american offensive and double digit deaths today. i don't even know what to say about that.

the other day, i stood at the light rail waiting for a train. and there was a hippie there talking about how much they hated america and the american way of life. she talked of leaving the country, as if she was going to find something better somewhere else. not that she wouldn't. i am often not sure that i am truly an american at heart. i wonder if i might be better suited living in europe, and i certainly dream of living on the beaches of the med sea. but this is all not the point.

the problem, as i see it, is that people seem to think that they have the right idea about the world. they seem to think that they have the answer, usually involving everyone other than themselves to decide to live life as they do. god, is that a bunch of confusing double talk?

i don't know, i guess i just want the world to be as is wants. but i am too sick of everything everywhere i look, i can't even perceive what that means. i am going to stop now, i am not even making sense to myself right now.

i keep on getting woke up early. it's like it's a new thing every fucking day. so now i am tired. and i think i am too tired to be writng in this journal. so ... off to the land where everything is just wonderful.