one down, but a lot more to go ...

i don't think i need to go on about how, even though totally unexpected, i was a little happy to see the woman in florida is dead. but really, last night's south park still kicked ass.

i think this has all been yet another demonstration of our perpetual fear of death, and constant attempt to understand it. and of course, now the pope is dying. i just hope that enough people realize that popes have died before, and the world will be all right.

i mean really, if we can make it through the loss of terry schiavo, we can lose the 200-year old pope. i have a feeling that god will send another one. does the pope really mean anything to americans anyway? i wouldn't think so. even the devout catholics don't pay him any mind ... right?

well, as usual, i am just talking out of my ass again. and that's all right. at least i am not in a fear of death, at the moment.

there is, though, something that really touches me. it's like that void that i feel all the time ... seeming to come from the place my heart used to live before it atrophied away. it's like, when you think about it, death is really fucking scary. is that how you spell scary? oh ... who really fucking cares.

i don't like to think of death though. and it's not that i am scared of dying. i am scared of losing the people that matter to me. as much as i have believed it at times, it is hard to accept that our love really transcends levels ... at least not those kinds of levels.

the people that have touched me deserve my eternal gratitude, but really, they get my eternal devotion. and to think that it is all not worth it, that's scary. and i have never really been able to accept that any of the people i love will die before me. and other than my sister, it hasn't really happened.

i don't know why i exempt my grandfather from that. his life meant a lot to me. his death, though, seems rather inconsequential. i wonder if we just accept that older people can die without really hurting who we are. i just don't know.

i think that one of the root problems is that ego-centric approach that i take to devout interdependence. if you accept that you created the world, then you understand there was a time before your world existed, and it shall in turn return to that same nothingness.

of course, in that you have to accept and realize that the collective world that we have created is something real. it's just that accepting reality isn't ever easy. so i will, just as everyone else, live my life with my perverted relationship with death. and eventually, i will be happy with it ... i hope.