on comprehension, conjecture and the complexities of life ...

i don't think you have to fall too deep into depression before you reach that point where you just want to pare down your life until you are left with nothing other than your spirituality, the part that usually fails ... for me.

it seems to me that the first step is to irrationally take an inventory of habits and try and guess which ones are causing the problems in your spiritual life. or ... my spiritual life.

comprehension:

the hardest part is just understanding. it seems to me that no matter how hard you try, getting the world is nothing more than a mere pipe dream. you go from one day thinking that you have finally turned a corner in your life, and there you are just the next day wondering why it didn't all work out the way that you planned.

and fuck, i am just so full of shit. and maybe that's all that you ever really comprehend, just how full of shit you really are, and how much of your life is just a commonplace fucking dillusion. nothing really fucking matters. and before you know it, you are wildly ranting and cussing on a stupid fucking blog that no one ever reads.

so that's when you give up. you can't ever really understand. nothing ever really makes sense. it's all just one cruel joke, and then you wake up to news that your government is selling arms to pakistan, one of the most unstable and scarey fucking places on this planet. i am still so fucking convinced that any day now, there will be an islamic revolution in that corrupt ass fucking country. and then the shit might really hit the fan.

conjecture:

it's that moment there, when you just realize that you are so fucking full of hubris that you no longer blame your old friends for wanting nothing to do with you. it's like, does the stream of bullshit ever run dry?

it doesn't take a long time before you realize that all of your assumptions about the way the world works just fucking fall apart, and that it never had a chance of being true in the first place. this must be how fucking religions start: some moron like me looks at the facts and make up the supporting details so that he can understand what he already knows is true.

that's the thing about conjecture, it's all about making what you already think is true into the truth. and no one can fucking create the truth. fuck, it wouldn't be true then. and just talking about this shit is proving the point, to assume is a fucking deathtrap.

the complexities:

i don't really know anything. life is so confusing. the world around me is losing relevance. and my writing seems trite. and i guess that's all i have to say right now.