through the eyes of a lazy, unlikable bastard

i really am quite lazy. i don't know what exactly it is. i am just not interested in very much.

i remember when things started to get quite tense between myself and my college newspaper adviser when she began to characterize my writing as "apathetic." i think it confused me because i knew she didn't mean it to be complemetary, but i couldn't see exactly how that was a negative.

it really is hard to care in this day and age ... at least for someone like me. i am not really impressed with achievement or even really having something to show for your trouble. i would much rather have the trouble.

so maintaining this blog is often hard work for me. i could care less about michael jackson or the runaway bride. i could care less about politics or the tweaking of meaningless laws. i could even care less about an american foriegn policy that makes our peers on this planet tremble. and it seems to me that the true nature of war is boredom ... some sick war of attrition. fuck people, seriously.

i can't wait until the day that this whole shit pile goes up in smoke. i envy the day when we run around like the little cockroaches that didn't die when you set off the fogger. there is something quite romantic about a new world, a new start. and there is something quite romantic about the notion of rebirth.

of course, there is little chance that any one individual would survive any sort of catastrophy. but i do think it would be very cool to be part of that pack of people that made it far away from the ocean before the astroid came crashing down.

i think it would be fun to help craft a new world. of course, it would be unfortuantely similar to life in the old world. no matter what you did, what you learned or accomplished ... all of your work is for naught. people don't learn.

i have this love/hate relationship with history. it's like i want to learn it, i want to understand what it is that happened before the creation of my world. but at the same time, i know it is as much bullshit as anything else -- filled with the tales of the victors through the eyes of the lemmings. and as much as i like the intention, it doesn't make much sense to me to base your knowledge on your sucesses, forgetting all of your shortcomings. ... especially when life seems to be a long series of shortcomings.

of course, it's not wise to turn to apathy based blindly on pesimism, i guess. i think that it serves some sort of calming purpose. i think it is best to live my life without the influence of other lives. given the laws of permenant independent realities, it doesn't make much sense to assume that your life will ever affect anyone else's. and that's not to say that it doesn't, just that you would never be able to see evidence of such during your own existence.

so you throw it all out the window. you assume that kindness is a token, and that the goal is to serve your own reality with the assumption that in creating the best reality for yourself, you create the best reality for the interdependent collective -- or history if you will.

i guess that's my way of saying that if you don't try to please that collective, than you will do so anyway ... and maybe to a greater degree. i don't know. really, i don't know anything. but eventually, i will find something of interest to write about.