odd noises in my head

dimanche, avril 24, 2005

building a mobile bridge to a blog

ok, this post is pretty straight forward (a first for everything, i suppose). i want to make sure that my blog is "mobile" -- being how it looks like i have moved into a mobile world.

the set-up is simple. if this e-mail posts correctly, then i will be able to update my blog using my phone -- via sending an e-mail with the phone. funny how that works, eh?

this should come in handy no matter what i decide to do with my life this summer. and that is that.

mardi, avril 19, 2005

popes and pipe dreams

so there is a new pope in town. and no, i still don't care. but i do find it interesting. one of the more interesting experiences i have had involving catholics was when ashalee and i discussed martin luther.

now for ashalee, catholocism is a doctrine, and you can't make any bones about it. she was endoctrinated all of her life, and eventually (or sooner) figured that there was a large gap between doctrine and truth (my words, not hers).

as an interesting side note, i am very good at typing in the dark. i don't look at my typing at all, i look just at the screen, or close my eyes -- just as my typing instructor said way back in the ninth grade. and for what it is worth, i still believe that learning how to type was one of the wisest things i have ever done. home ec, the number of shop classes and whatnot, none of them have ever come in use as much as that one semester of typing.

but for some reason, ashalee still holds her endoctrinated prejudices of martin luther, one of the greatest men to ever walk the earth -- certainly of the variety that wear the lord's tunic. few of the early critics had the balls to go the direction that luther went, even if it is not what i believe is right.

the question, of course, is pretty simple. if god is perfect, and all powerful, than can humans ever do anything wrong? now i am not saying that luther gave a fuck about the fundamental questions of human understanding. i do believe that he felt that god was perfect, and his life and loyalty were devoted to his holy spirit.

but luther looked at the catholic church, and not unlike ashalee, he said, "what the fuck?" he pointed out all of these injustices, and in turn, opened the door for broad reformation and helped usher in the prodestant doctrine.

this only matters to me, of course, because it means that people listen to themselves, rather than god. of course, it also leads to the vulgar display of independence that has dominated my lifetime. me, i would have been happier if people looked at the basic question of holy perfection and realized that perfect does not have to be synonymous with all powerful.

the point of all this just being that i find it interesting that thee new pope is a german, and apparently the first one since before luther. concidence?

what i find more interesting is that he is supposed to be very conservative. and just like people insisting that bush was bound to lose because he did not represent the majority of the public. but i just don't think that is true.

i think that i live in a politically conservative world. i think that people recognize the seriousness of the wold and it's situation, and like luther and the protestants (am i even spelling that right? and what is the difference between that and predestinism?) and the weirdest part is that i feel like the outsider. i always thought that i was far more conservative than anyone i knew. and now i feel like the world has passed me by.

in my spare time i find myself agreeing with marx and hamilton more often that i find myself agreeing with jefferson and goldwater.

often is the time that i wish i could just close my eyes and wake up in a world that cares, for what it is worth. i guess that's just a stupid kid's fantasy. it's like the song goes: "i wish that god would kill me instead of leaving me alone to see you standing here before me with that sad look on your face."

well, maybe it's not the same as the song, but the words mean what i want them to mean anyway, and isn't that what really matters? anyway, i am done with the uncommon early post. i was actually ready to post this when i learned of the pope early today. but you know, it wasn't even dark.

dimanche, avril 17, 2005

when the mourning becomes a different day ... and more pitiful diatribe

i have no idea what is going on with tom delay, but i do know that it must be a very slow news day, as they say in the hood. of course, i am still sitting here wondering why people dying in iraq so that our lazy asses can drive the stupid shit that we drive (and for the more sinister and long-term goal of global domination via the oil market) isn't the first story every fucking time i turn on the news, or when i get that email from the times every night.

there is no doubt about it, i am a piece of shit, and the flies are getting in the way of holiness. yep. and that's just how it goes. don't worry about what that means, if you were unlucky enough to try and ready this entry.

the truth is that i am quite fed up with the world right now, in case you can't tell. and i don't particularly like it when politics become news. i am not sure i agree with the american news values as it is. i remember sitting in class (doesn't matter which one, all of my journalism instructors were pretty much morons -- caveat: don't go to hsu for journalism) and wondering what kind of spineless bitch it takes to not only accept what you are told, but to try and make other muthafuckers into your idea.

the only shit that i ever heard that had even the tiniest ring of truth in my college days was this notion of agenda setting. and it seems to me that if you can accept agenda setting, then you should realize that what we perceive as news values are actually propaganda agents trying to make the world think like you do.

i mean, i am not trying to say that people are stupid, but they really are fucking morons when it comes right on down to it, and shit. and it seems to me that the general public wants to be fucking brainwashed anyway.

oh god, i am rambling again. i have a hard time seperating what is just the natural hatred of my mind andwhat is the bitter remnants of a life rejected ... and painful to live anyway. or something. but this is the wrong shit to write in this journal.

so i guess i should just say my shit and get the fuck out of the room. i think that we all need to accept responsibility for the shit that didn't turn out right, but that until the people who teach the nonsense of the past that we are trying to move away from learn to be more critical and aware of what it is that they are doing to the people we truly owe our allegiance to ... or something.

fuck tom delay, and another crooked politician. let me know the truth about what it is that lets me live the life i am aloud to live, granted only because of the life i chose to be born into.

really, what the fuck am i talking about. thank god no one reads this shit.

vendredi, avril 01, 2005

one down, but a lot more to go ...

i don't think i need to go on about how, even though totally unexpected, i was a little happy to see the woman in florida is dead. but really, last night's south park still kicked ass.

i think this has all been yet another demonstration of our perpetual fear of death, and constant attempt to understand it. and of course, now the pope is dying. i just hope that enough people realize that popes have died before, and the world will be all right.

i mean really, if we can make it through the loss of terry schiavo, we can lose the 200-year old pope. i have a feeling that god will send another one. does the pope really mean anything to americans anyway? i wouldn't think so. even the devout catholics don't pay him any mind ... right?

well, as usual, i am just talking out of my ass again. and that's all right. at least i am not in a fear of death, at the moment.

there is, though, something that really touches me. it's like that void that i feel all the time ... seeming to come from the place my heart used to live before it atrophied away. it's like, when you think about it, death is really fucking scary. is that how you spell scary? oh ... who really fucking cares.

i don't like to think of death though. and it's not that i am scared of dying. i am scared of losing the people that matter to me. as much as i have believed it at times, it is hard to accept that our love really transcends levels ... at least not those kinds of levels.

the people that have touched me deserve my eternal gratitude, but really, they get my eternal devotion. and to think that it is all not worth it, that's scary. and i have never really been able to accept that any of the people i love will die before me. and other than my sister, it hasn't really happened.

i don't know why i exempt my grandfather from that. his life meant a lot to me. his death, though, seems rather inconsequential. i wonder if we just accept that older people can die without really hurting who we are. i just don't know.

i think that one of the root problems is that ego-centric approach that i take to devout interdependence. if you accept that you created the world, then you understand there was a time before your world existed, and it shall in turn return to that same nothingness.

of course, in that you have to accept and realize that the collective world that we have created is something real. it's just that accepting reality isn't ever easy. so i will, just as everyone else, live my life with my perverted relationship with death. and eventually, i will be happy with it ... i hope.