on comprehension, conjecture and the complexities of life ...

i don't think you have to fall too deep into depression before you reach that point where you just want to pare down your life until you are left with nothing other than your spirituality, the part that usually fails ... for me.

it seems to me that the first step is to irrationally take an inventory of habits and try and guess which ones are causing the problems in your spiritual life. or ... my spiritual life.

comprehension:

the hardest part is just understanding. it seems to me that no matter how hard you try, getting the world is nothing more than a mere pipe dream. you go from one day thinking that you have finally turned a corner in your life, and there you are just the next day wondering why it didn't all work out the way that you planned.

and fuck, i am just so full of shit. and maybe that's all that you ever really comprehend, just how full of shit you really are, and how much of your life is just a commonplace fucking dillusion. nothing really fucking matters. and before you know it, you are wildly ranting and cussing on a stupid fucking blog that no one ever reads.

so that's when you give up. you can't ever really understand. nothing ever really makes sense. it's all just one cruel joke, and then you wake up to news that your government is selling arms to pakistan, one of the most unstable and scarey fucking places on this planet. i am still so fucking convinced that any day now, there will be an islamic revolution in that corrupt ass fucking country. and then the shit might really hit the fan.

conjecture:

it's that moment there, when you just realize that you are so fucking full of hubris that you no longer blame your old friends for wanting nothing to do with you. it's like, does the stream of bullshit ever run dry?

it doesn't take a long time before you realize that all of your assumptions about the way the world works just fucking fall apart, and that it never had a chance of being true in the first place. this must be how fucking religions start: some moron like me looks at the facts and make up the supporting details so that he can understand what he already knows is true.

that's the thing about conjecture, it's all about making what you already think is true into the truth. and no one can fucking create the truth. fuck, it wouldn't be true then. and just talking about this shit is proving the point, to assume is a fucking deathtrap.

the complexities:

i don't really know anything. life is so confusing. the world around me is losing relevance. and my writing seems trite. and i guess that's all i have to say right now.

a post-scriptum to the previous entry ...

well, my eyes are nearing the end of the day. but just before i got my blanket, i got an e-mail updating the status of the afformentioned vegatable. the judge has just ruled to let the bitch die already, and i think that is a quote.

now me, fuck, i am not sure i want to live through perfect health, let alone some vegatable ass shit. i mean, all i really want out of life are the experiences and the thoughts that go along with them. fuck this keep me alive at all costs nonsense.

on top of that, i am kind of picky about the way i live my life. and i am not going to go on about all the stupid emotional and spiritual bullshit that goes along with that (that's what livejournal is for), but i do want to say that i think that i would tell just about any lover, and certainly a wife.

and at the same time, i am not too sure about my the judgements my parents have showed in the past. fuck that noise. if you are my family, i will always love and respect you, but you have to understand that, at least on a level more based in reality than i care to spend much of my life in, i didn't choose you. i did, though (again on that same level) choose my wife.

so please, gods, let there be a judge out there to say just let the prick die if i should ever be in that situation -- assuming i understand the situation. the truth is that all i know i have picked up from idle talk. i can't honestly say it's the type of news that interests me.

i mean, fuck, isn't there a war going on? and has anyone seen comercials for the new "millitary" channel? sorry, talk about a tangent. but i am far more interested in the school shooting today -- though that too, i know nothing about. and i am not sure i am interested enough to change that. really, the only thing that interests me right now is going to sleep. and that is what i shall do.

spewing shit out of your fingertips is hard work

i suppose it is the duty of all bloggers to eventually (or periodically) write the golden standby of all trash: the i don't really have anything to say bullshit.

but you know what, i don't really have anything to say. the truth is that i often have a hard time writing any shit, as i don't buy it for a fucking second. i mean fuck, i am sitting here writing this crap as i watch a rerun of friday night fights. great shit, by the way.

but i mean, i am not even taking the time to look down from time to time and see what the fuck i am spewing out all over the relatively pure world of the internet -- compared to the very fucked up world in my head.

i look at the shit that other muthafuckas are putting out there. people seem to think they really do know what they are talking about. i mean, who the fuck do they think they are? i think that one of the basic understandings off all philosophy is to accept that you are little more than one of those tiny flys that linger around hamster shit.

i can't get into the news at all right now. i am so confused about who really gives a fuck if they let some vegatable bitch die in some place far the fuck away from me. everyone know's this bitch's name, and she hasn't even had the decency to die yet. what is the world coming to?

and i know that i can go out and see what every fucking moron on this planet thinks about this bitch, her family or just fucking the youth in asia ... or what ever the fuck you call it when you just put a bitch out of her misery. and the worst part? these fucking morons are being taken seriously.

oh man ... how did i ever wonder what would possess a country to elect a bush to the oval office, not once, not twice, but three muthafuckin' times. i must be the stupid one. after all, it's my dumb ass that is sitting here complaining. at least they are happy.

my anger is boiling. i am fed up with the world. i feel betrayed. i feel disapointed. i feel like i should have never come back here -- not to sacramento, but to THIS. and fuck you if you don't get it. of course, i am back to shed some of this anger ... but i fear that is still a ways on the horizon.

either way, it is clear that i don't have anything interesting to say. and even more clear that i am one of the before mentioned morons that actually thinks he has a fucking clue. so ... yeah.

the pointless lives of pseudo-political potheads in a moderately apathetic world ...

i can't even express my lack of concern for the political youth. i wonder what the world has become when every says they care, but no one really has the up and go to get up and go get the shit done ... the shit that they believe in.

of course, i have to exclude present company. i can't honestly say that i give a fuck about anything anymore. my heart has long since atrophied away ... at least the part that hurts when you see the little kid with the fucking fly on his lips.

but there isn't anything i wouldn't give for something that matters. things that matter are so few and far between. in fact, i am not sure i have ever seen one. well ... there was that look on that girl's face when the sun would come up in the morning, right before she left me to go live her life, and continued searching for the end of mine.

what's all this bullshit about? well, i guess that's a reasonable question.

i have decided to get back into the political process. not because i want to have an impact -- fuck that noise, yo! no, i want money. i need money. my back has been broken by the oppressive forces of convenience, comfort and longevity. america has become the cancer that is killing my spirituality.

the food i eat ALWAYS has corn syrup in it. unless i cook it personally, then there is ALWAYS a corner cut. and that's just the food i eat ... the food everyone eats. but my body is totally and completely poluted. i feel ill most days, except when i drink. and then, i feel even worse the folowing day. maybe it's that the nutrients in the beer are so foriegn to my body that has been living so long on convenience.

of course, there is a solution. give in! it always works. if you bend your knees, life will be tolerable. and right now, i need tolerable. living on the street has only taught me to see more clearly that which i hated about my childhood. and going home has taught me that it can always be worse ... but if you accept worse, it won't feel so bad.

so, logically, i have decided to try and whore myself out for a while, until i can have the comfort, convenience and longevity needed for me to fully express my detest for it, and flee it for good.

exactly how do you become an ex-patriot anyway? fuck, is that even how you spell it?